36 is the new 23

Or so I tell myself as I use Milton's sonnet as the title for my new blog. It's a couple of days past my 36th birthday, I'm more than halfway into my first year as as tenured associate professor, and I'm really not sure where I'm heading.  I know better than to compare myself to Milton (a subject for another post), but his sonnet resonates with me. Surely an over-educated, ambitious, but not (yet) accomplished writer of today writes a blog post when her counterpart of four centuries ago wrote a sonnet.

How soon hath Time, the subtle thief of youth,
Stol'n on his wing my three and twentieth year!
My hasting days fly on with full career,
But my late spring not bud or blossom show't.
Perhaps my semblance might deceive the truth,
That I to manhood am arriv'd so near,
And inward ripeness doth much less appear,
That some more timely-happy spirits endu'th
Yet be it less or more, or soon, or slow,
It shall be still in strictest measure ev'n
To that same lot, however mean or high,
Toward which Time leads me, and the will of Heav'n;
All is, if I have grace to use it so,
As ever in my great task-Master's eye.

When I finally decided to start writing a blog, this poem came to mind. I associate the poem with beginnings; I always teach it on the first day of my Milton class because it encapsulates so many of the critical questions that we talk about throughout the semester. But the poem is also about the fear of both the past and the future: fear that the chance for a new beginning is irretrievably past or that the future will not fulfill our hopes. In the sestet Milton finds reassurance  in the concept of Providence, but even for Milton that assurance is qualified by "if." For me, maybe because I'm 36 rather than 23 or because religious faith is not an important element in my life, the poem usefully captures my ambivalence about my present and my future. Time passes--with "full career"--I can't believe that it's been more than six years since I started here in Small Town as  an assistant professor. I caught the brass ring, earned the big T, but I can't help feel I missed some things along the way. I decided to start a blog because I hope to figure out what they are.